it's a bad habit, but the first thing i do when i wake up is grab my phone and look at emails and Facebook. i tell myself it helps me wake up.
Monday was no different. as i scrolled through Facebook, i saw the news that david bowie had died-just two days after his 69th birthday and the release of his new album-and album that was kept secret and now known to be a well choreographed "parting gift" to his fans.
my first thought was "please let this be a hoax", like that time I went to tell Red that we lost Willie Nelson but we really hadn't.
quickly i realized it was true and my thoughts turned to my brother. David has always been a huge bowie fan and made me one too. being 5 years older i alway looked up to him and thought i should probably like what he liked if i wanted to be cool. he is the reason i had a poster of The Cure next to my poster of Bon Jovi.
i texted him. he couldn't believe it. nor could i.
taking the kids to school we heard let's dance. i smiled a sad smile. i told the kids that we lost a great artist. Avery stayed home sick that day and I spent some time reading the various tributes that were being constantly posted. at the gym i watched a show on mtv and at each commercial break there was a tribute. i continued to text David to chat about some of the articles. he was still in shock.
last night i read yet another article and really started to feel it. I went to youtube and played Changes, then Heroes, then Blue Jean and the tears just started to spill out. it was a surprise to me until i realized why i was crying. those songs take me back to being 12 trying to impress my big brother by going to the mall with my friends and bringing him posters and books and anything bowie. i was trying to get him to see me as a peer and not a little sister. our five year gap was tough at that age. I was 12, he was 17-- but music was one thing we could bond over, even if just for the 3 minutes and 22 seconds of a video we watched together on MTV. (i honest vividly remember watching the video for Blue Jean with him and just thinking wow-never had I seen anything like it)
watching those videos took me back to that time and how hard i felt i had to try to get my big brother to see me. in those moments watching videos on MTV, i think he did.
the music brought me right back to the mid to late 80's and the relationship that wasn't really a thing with my big brother and i was sad about that -that we seemed to have two completely different lives. i think it also made me miss being a kid and having parents that were alive...and there were tough times had by both of us after he graduated from high school -things that we went through separately. but now-even though we are 3000 miles apart, we have never been closer.
David Bowie's music (and movies! labyrinth is one of my all time favorites) was such a huge part of the fabric of my life and i didn't actually realize it until last night. and that makes me sad--that we almost always won't realize the impact of people in our lives until they are gone.
My brother David had (and has) a huge impact on my life and i want him to know that. i want him to know that I am so proud if him and where he is in life today--A great dad to his kids, a great husband to his amazing wife and a successful realtor. He has always been one of the smartest, coolest people I have ever known with a heart of gold.
Thank you David, for introducing me to the rockstar that was David Bowie, who made me realize what a rockstar you have been in my life.