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Saturday, November 29, 2014

thanksgiving and the blues

we had another fabulous thanksgiving.  food for days, great wine and our fabulous family.  we hosted reds grandmother (Franny), his parents, his two brothers plus their wives and two nieces. we were just missing his sister and her family, and Barb of course.
i spent all day in the kitchen which is fine with me.  it was a relaxing morning.  then at 3 everyone started showing up.  it was a gorgeous sunny 65 degree california day and we got to spend some time outside having yummy apps and playing catch. i got to speak to my 94 year old grandmother and we laughed so much about how she could have raised such a bossy daughter (my mom). im so thankful to still have her in my life and for her to still be so sharp.  she is wonderful.
our dinner was awesome, even though i totally butchered the potatoes (turns out you have to mash them when they are piping hot!).  Franny took on the gravy and did an amazing job on it.  i love having my house filled with family.  Avery does too.  she is like her mommy that way-we love a party.  especially with people we are comfortable with and love. we all went around and said something nice about the person to our right and it was beautiful.  there were laughs and tears and hugs.
slowly, kids fell asleep and people left.  Sarah and MT stayed the night and I spent the next day (almost all of it) cleaning dishes (i dont do dishes until company has left!) and listening to holiday music.  i was full of holiday spirit.
then this morning, Nolan asked me to charge an old iPhone.  when it came on he played around with it and then brought it to me asking how to get out of the voice memo screen.  first i had to listen to them.  they were all from 2010. most were avery screaming and crying.  some were of her laughing and babbling.  then i heard the one that got me.  you can hear me in the background asking her to say "Daddy" and after a few tries, she says it.  so clearly.  i had forgotten what her voice sounded like and I burst into tears. i brought it to let Red listen and he got choked up as well and said he didnt want to hear it again-too hard. i posted it on FB and got so many sweet comments like "the day will come again when you hear it again!" and i know that is true but today has just been tough.
Red took Nolan ice skating with a buddy and Avery and I stayed home. I took her on an errand and took the long way home to just waste time.  i drove near the movie theater which was a big mistake.  families all together walking around downtown, going to the movies-things that are not impossible for us (well, maybe going to the movies) but are very difficult with her yelling. it makes me sad and i remember that the holidays are always a tough time for me.  even though i look forward to them so so much, it creeps up on me that it just isnt the same without your own parents and and a kid who cant feed herself or open presents. but then i go back to the beginning of this post and i have so much to be thankful for. and a future that is truly so bright.

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