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Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Seven

so it is just past midnight.
i dreamt of her last night.  well, a penny actually.
i was sitting down on the edge of a fountain-the kind you would find in a town square.
i had my head in my hands.
i was down about something.
i looked down and there it was
a shiny penny.
tail side up.
and i smiled.

my lovely mom has been gone for seven years.
will i always sit here on this couch reflecting about her? every year?
will i ever stop thinking about her daily?
is she able to see me?  is she proud?
sure she is. i know it.
but it doesnt change the fact that I cant ask her.  i cant ask her anything.

sure, she would criticize.  sure she would find somthing wrong.
sure.
but she would be here.

i miss her.
i miss her voice, her nagging and bragging.  i miss her.
i miss her style, her beauty and her vanity.
i miss her thoughtfulness and her generosity.
i miss her wealth of knowledge-not just about life, but those little details of my childhood that I cant quite recall.  

i miss her "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" advice and knack for making everything  seem surmountable-her strength and vulnerability on those days when everything was falling apart.

i miss her.  but she is in me.  i am her in so many ways.  the good and the not so good.
seven years.
i hope i dream of her tonight.