rettsyndrome.org

Image Map

Thursday, May 2, 2013

sluggish

they say that post marathon you may feel "depressed" or "let down" now that the thing you have been so focused on is over-just like that-it's done and you dont really know what to do with yourself. i think that is true. but, what happens when that race gets interrupted by a terrorist attack that maims people and kills children?

Ill tell you. 

you go back to your normal routine but here and there you recount the moments of that day.  over and over you tell the story of how you found out, what you thought about, your greatest fears and your biggest reliefs. you drink a lot of cocktails a lot of the nights of the week.  you sleep HARD at night and try HARD not to sleep during the day. you obsess over the details of what happened-the small lives of the cowards that changed that day for all of us-the news updates. the conspiracy theories that this was a "false flag" event staged by the government to scare us into acquiescing into some sort of police state. you spend time day dreaming about what it would be like to go back and try again and actually finish this time. then you remind yourself to not get your hopes up about any of that happening. 

you are blown away by all the love from near and far.  blown away by the races that are quickly organized in the name of Boston Strong, or Love to Boston some three thousand miles away. you read many different stories from that day, you watch interviews with the victims and just shake your head at their courage and strength. you'll marvel when thinking about the volunteers and the medical tent staff and the runners and spectators that rose to the occasion.

you hope you will get your belongings back from that yellow bag you so precisely handed to the guy in the school bus window labeled with bibs numbers 24000-24250. not that anything in that bag truly mattered-a jacket from target, sunscreen, clif bars. then you come home one day and there is a box and you open it and there is your yellow bag. and you get some tears in your eyes because you think you are one of thousands they did that for.

but mostly you are tired. just exhausted. every day you wake up hoping that today will be the day you dont want to sleep in your office. it starts off well but then seems like just the effort it takes to get up and ready wears you completely out.

and then you make an appointment with your doctor just to make sure it is in fact post terror attack/attempting to run a marathon depression and not something else entirely. ill see her tomorrow morning then I will be off for a few days of wine tasting and relaxing with my "book club". it will likely be just what the doctor will order.

1 comment:

Colleen said...

I've never run that far before but I do remember times of being that all the time tired. It's so hard when you need more time to recover than life has available to you. I hope that your weekend restores you. Go easy on yourself, I'm so prod of you.