Wednesday, November 23, 2011

i cried again while watching nolan color with crayons. he can color. with ease. and he can tell me what he is coloring: "a bounce house", "a tambourine", "that's you, mommy".  my voice cracks as i tell him how beautiful it is or what a good job he is doing. and tears well up. and its just so silly to be sitting there in awe of my 3 year old coloring.  but i know why i am in awe, why i dont (and wont) take it for granted that he can color.  it is because his sister can't. she cannot hold a crayon, let alone make a mark on paper without a lot of help.

i ask him "who are you most excited to see tomorrow" and he rattles off a seemingly random (but probably not) list of people he knows we will see for thanksgiving. then adds a little commentary like: "they are really nice to me" or "i'm going to show her my shoes and she will really like them!" while making the cutest little facial expressions. and im in awe.  because his sister can't do that. she has no words.  none.  at least none that she can speak.  i know she is thinking and has things to say-but nothing but screams and yells come out.

every once in a while i hear nolan yell "i have to go potty!" while i hear his little feet stomping across the floor on the way to the bathroom.  so easy.  and yet i still have to check Avery's diaper to know if she is dry or not.

today, after i braved the grocery store with both kids, i put avery in the car while I loaded the groceries in the back.  while i was buckling nolan in, i said to avery "can you climb in your seat?" and nolan said, without missing a beat: : "mommy, she can't! you have to put her in! she doesnt know how!" and I said, "you are right, buddy, I do need to put her in, but she does know how-she just cant."

i know this is a common theme in my posts-the fact that i live on this fine line between hating the fact that my daughter has rett syndrome and loving the perspective it gives me.  one of these times Ill be able to articulate it much better. but for now, i just feel that both of my kids are awesome in their own ways.  could it be more awesome if Avery did not have rett syndrome?  maybe...probably.  but would I know it?  probably not.


Momttorney said...

Oh mama, I love this post. While I (of course) WANT things to come easily to my Mia Monster, I simultaneously fear the heartache it will bring. Watching it come SO stinking easy when Sammie B works so darn hard. Thanks for sharing these oh-so-honest and tough moments with us. xoxo

Catriona said...

Love this Erica. You express it all just right. Happy thanksgiving to you and your family xx

cassandra said...

Erica, I really love reading your posts :)