i had started a new post and then blogger went all nutty and now its gone. and im so bummed. ill try my best to recreate it...
back in january I posted THIS. i had decided to stop taking my prescription medication that i had been taking off and on for years to make me feel like myself. after a few weeks, i started to experience what were probably slight withdrawal symptoms and went on a new medication. that was even worse. so i had an idea. i remembered that when I got pregnant with Avery, i was able to go off whatever medication i was taking at the time and i was fine. just fine. hormones i guess. so, maybe birth control would work. the bad side effects of the pill were how i was already feeling-irritable, crying easily, tired, and just generally pissed off. so maybe it would have the opposite effect on me?
i am about to finish my third month and i have to say, im different. i’m much more calm, patient and just generally happy. weird right? i’ve gained a few pounds but if thats the price i pay for happiness, ill take it.
could be because of the pill. or maybe it’s Avery’s new medication. or maybe a combination of both. we started Avery on lexapro about three weeks ago. weaned her off prozac-because they are the same class. there has been some success seen in a few girls with rett using lexapro and we are hoping that once we get to her full dosage we will see great results. so far so good. she is happy, much less tooth grinding, tons of “happy noises”, more giggling and big smiles. she has become awfully hands-y and is doing some hitting but im hopeful that when she settles in, things will calm down. she is also making lots of new sounds and noises-”talking” a ton. all very encouraging!
so, im happy right now. i still have my moments of “why us”, and “how is this my life”-recently i was even daydreaming about what this life would look like minus rett syndrome. what would be different? what would our demanding and sassy almost five year old be telling us to do? what camps would I be signing her up for? would we be planning a trip to disneyland? (yes, Im happy, but dont think typing this didnt bring a tear to my eye)
but lately, im just enjoying more sweet moments with my kids and being able to see the beauty in life. just tonight, in the car at a stoplight, i glanced to my left and saw how gorgeous it is out there. the trees and the sun shining. now that i think of it, the same thing happened yesterday. i saw the flowers. i saw the perfection in them and it even made me think about god. and if you know me, thats so not me. but its getting tough to see what nature has to offer without thinking that there is something behind it. whoa, this is getting deep.
i digress. all of this makes me realize that i have grown so much over the past 10 years. and i guess thats the point of life-to grow and evolve. i do think things happen the way they are supposed to happen. i know i was supposed to meet and fall in love with my husband. i know that for sure. the effect he has had on me has been monumental. can’t even put it into words really but all the good he holds has rubbed off on me in a major way. i have much more of a capacity to go with the flow. i know who i am now and am not as concerned with what other people think. i still have many things to work on. many things. but im getting there. and i have a feeling i will get there. this is progress.