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Monday, March 21, 2011

missing

Avery is now missing three teeth. The milestone was lost, however, on the fact that she is also missing 23 nucleotides on her MECP2 gene. Even though Im still not sure if that tooth would have fallen out on its own or if it is due to her grinding, or a fall. Maybe the dentist tomorrow will have some insight?

There are just some days when I cannot handle much. Today I have been thinking about making a deal with the devil-and all I really want him to do is make Avery stop grinding her teeth. He doesnt even have to cure her, just make her stop grinding. Ill grow red horns and a tail and live with that the rest of my life. just. stop. grinding. your. teeth.

I have written about this before. Its the sound, coupled with the fact that I literally have super sonic hearing and am unable to tune anything out (except maybe Sports Center). It provokes a physiological response in me and I get mad at her, sometimes yell (ok, most times) at her to STOP. Even Nolan says it now. "Sissy, stop grinding!"-but he is much sweeter about it because thankfully I dont think he got the "can't stand annoying little noises/hears everything gene".

So by the time bath rolled around tonight, I was so wound up that I had gotten Avery a little upset as well. When she is anxious she hand mouths like crazy (she does it anyway-but it can get really bad). So in the bath, once I got her braces off-the hands went right in the mouth and out went that loose tooth. I didnt even notice. Till she cried. Then floodgates. Mine, not hers.

I still can't believe that I cant take the sound of her grinding. I suppose I still cant believe this is happening to our family. To Avery. To any kid. Any family. Not a single one of us deserves it. And then I think why her, why us, why ANYONE? And then I remember that it could be a LOT worse-and it is for many many people. And that just makes me feel so small.

I can't believe that I can sob like that in front of my children. And that my 2 year old has to say things like "you happy mommy?", and "dont be sad".

I apologized to Avery as she drifted off to sleep. while grinding her teeth.


8 comments:

The MacDonald Family said...

Oh man, the grinding is terrible. Annie's screaming is what makes me loose myself and I had to appologize to Annie as well tonight. You are in good company. None of us is perfect and we all have our breaking points. Keep fighting the good fight my friend. Hugs!!

Momttorney said...

Cut yourself some slack, mama, you deserve it. And, you are right, its not fucking fair. So all you can do is apologize to your sleeping girl, apologize to yourself for being so darn hard on yourself, and hope for a better day tomorrow. You know I'm not a prayer, but sometimes at night, I still say "may I do better at x tomorrow." Somehow, just asking to do better, asking the universe, I guess, helps me. Thinking of you sweet friend!

Colleen said...

Hugs! Wish I had something better, but that's all I got, but lots of them :-)

cassandra said...

I'm with "momttorney" it's not fucking fair. It's not fair to you, red, nolan and most importantly avery. It sucks, it sucks, it sucks!!!! And anyone else in that situation would cry to, I know I would. Just blog Erica, post it, scream about it, write it, just let it out. Sending you a big hug and a glass of wine :) Hoping tomorrow is a non-grinding day.

Em said...

Oh how I have been there MANY days! When you said the comment about Nolan asking if you were happy, Eli would do this all the time when I would get upset! They pick up on so much! I have very little patience for some things and for me it is Anna Cate and her behaviors! Seriously, this girl could get a black belt in one day! I have reacted in many different ways, but what kills me is when the "switch" is flipped back to happy mode, and she looks at me with her gorgeous big green eyes and says "mommy" with the biggest smile, is when I feel the smallest!

She used to grind her teeth and this would drive me insane! Nails on a chalk board! But the behaviors is what drives me crazy now! So I have found the best situation for all of us, as I will need to loose my patience then with the other two, is to talk to her like I would them. " you have three chances, then you will have to go to your time out chair until you can be nice", and am calm when I say this. However, it is very hard to be calm while getting hit and smacked all the way to the chair and my hair pulled as I am putting her in it! But I know that she can not control many of these episodes and they just happen. And she doesn't want it to happen anymore than we do. And when I hear "mommy", I don't feel so guilty, as I know i didn't yell at her, but was calm and talked in a even tone. Trust me, easier said than done! It took me months to get here!
I often will have to go to my "hiding" place, aka, the pantry after getting her in the chair to release some steam by myself! Do you have such a place? Good luck and hang in there! Hugs! I would take grinding over having a Ninja!

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

Oh. I'm so sorry. I really hope that you find some deep relaxing peace somehow. I have moments like that when I just cry and cry. Rett is hard. Those annoying habits are hard. It's just the straw that breaks my defenses when it turns out there's a reason for the increase.

You're an amazing mother and person.

Tina said...

I echo your sentiments - your family shouldn't have to go through this, no family should. When I meet you in person, I will bring a LARGE bottle of wine! ;)

Sasha said...

My son grinds his teeth in his sleep and I react the exact same way. We shared a hotel room last week. I was at my wits end and I don't have a special needs child. What you are feeling is ok. Don't beat yourself up. You are much stronger then you realize