Thursday, March 10, 2011

Attention! Negativity Ahead.

Nevermind. Scratch that. Reverse it. That was to be yesterdays post. Today was a whole new day. A day of tears accompanied with smiles. No tears accompanied with a loud sobbing “why?”. But, there were some tears after a Fancy Feast cat food commercial. Seriously this commercial is really sweet. But thats another post I suppose.

This is what my life is like now. Polar opposite emotions from one day to the next. Yesterday ~ Up early, bus comes at 7:15 (as opposed to 10:05 every other day of the week). It’s amazing how much tooth grinding one small child can do in less than an hour. And even more amazing how I let it get to me like it does. Let’s be honest: my nerves are shot. Shot nerves can’t take much. Get Avery on the bus after a major meltdown getting dressed-this happens most every time I dress her now. Tears and kicking and hitting. And more tears. I call an electrician to fix the breaker that won’t go back into place after I blew an outlet in the kitchen. Run to the gym. Run home. Electrician shows up, then Avery’s behavioral therapist shows up, along with the agency supervisor. Bus comes. Avery walks in CRYING. Nolan is trying to “help” the electrician. Im trying to calm Avery and keep Nolan out of electricians way. She calms down with her therapist, her paci and My Pal Violet. Electrician finishes up and was affordable. Phew. But I can still hear her grinding. Even in her room with her door closed. Therapist and supervisor leave, then case manager shows up. She is here because I have asked for more services due to the fact that Im quickly losing my mind with the constant noise and chaos. Our case manager is wonderful and totally gets it. Avery was in full effect for her too. Even made her jump a couple times with her screams. We are so lucky to have a good case manager who gets it and sees the need we have for the services they can provide. Basically we are hoping to get more respite. And I think we will get it. So thats a relief.

Once the case manager was gone, it was just the three of us. And Avery was on a roll grinding her teeth. I have heard it described as sounding like a cork being pulled out of a wine bottle-Im not sure I agree. But it’s annoying nonetheless. For Red, the screaming bothers him the most. The grinding takes the cake for me. So, by the time Red got home and I was getting the kids in the bath, I had had it. I can only put her in her room so many times. I can only grit my own teeth and count to 10 so many times before I blow. I cannot tune it out. It’s not in my DNA.

Luckily I had plans to go out with a friend last night for dinner and it was so nice to just be out of the house for a bit.

The thing that keeps getting to me is the wondering. Wondering who Avery would be if Rett didn’t have a hold on her. What would she tell me? What would she want to do, where would she want to go? I just want to talk with her-I want to know her. This lingered over me all day. It didnt help that I watched the montage I made of her. Always gets me.

But today! Today was good. There were tiny moments that I just enjoyed. My coffee. Catch with Nolan. Avery had a great morning session with her behavioral therapist, waited nicely for the bus, didn’t fight too hard getting dressed. I got a wonderful email from her PT at school saying that Avery walked the balance beam for four feet, something she has never done. Her teacher emailed me that she chose a green marker when asked and relayed a cute story about her holding hands on the playground with another little girl at her school. I bought a wireless printer and set it up-easily. I had a great workout-even though I did not feel like going. I got Avery some alphabet flash cards and she knows her letters. I saw her coloring. She stacked blocks. And there was pretty much zero tooth grinding!

I felt like a good mom today. Today. Ahhhhhh.


Catriona said...

You are a good mom every day - you need to believe it! I feel just the same way you do. I can't 'tune out' either. And I know about the shot-to-pieces nerves too. (I found the way you described that very helpful - thank you!)

Btw I love the 'my flight landed at Amsterdam' button (which may have been there for ages, but I only just noticed it). It took me a minute to figure it out (bit slow today), but made me laugh - even got me through this morning's dressing-drama (yes we have that as well). I want it on my blog too! xxx

Gamma Karen said...

Erica, you are a very good Mom, every day. I wish I had sage words of advice or answers, but have neither. All I can do is tell you that I Love You all, and pray for you all the time. YOU are a WONDERFUL woman. ILY

Gamma Karen said...

Erica, Coop is me, another email address, Gamma Karen.

The MacDonald Family said...

Oh Erica, I totally get this - the screaming and the teeth grinding, AHHHH, I can actually feel my tension as I read this. The worst for me is when it's in the car and I just can't get back there to do anything about it, I'm really surprised we've never gotten into an accident. I'm so glad that today was better for you, hang on to those good days it always help to get through the not so good days. I hope you get that extra respite, that would be a blessing! Hugs! You are doing amazing, never forget that!!

Dawn said...

Oh how I can relate to the nerves being shot to hell and back and wearing of the patience. I'm glad that you are requesting more respite. It's important to give yourself a break! xoxo

mj said...

that WAS a bad day...and a good day today! leah's been a grind-a-holic lately too. and i'm watching two kids today, ages 3 and 4, and it just makes me wonder who leah might be if she could just BE. wonder, wonder, wonder.